-- Guarding the White Meat
All acts of sucking up will serve you well -- and thus my learning from many years working in large corporations. Oh yeah, the other thing I picked up – the need to suck up never stops. This is a requirement regardless of your level in the grand corporate org chart. Despite my long list of accountabilities, pressures to perform, assets to manage and drive an unrealistically high return on, I still needed to tolerate and compliment my boss’s admin. It seemed the charm skills I had hidden from my wife soon after we were married were now called upon to get that elusive time slot on the big guy’s/gal’s calendar.
I honed my skills early. As a young pup in the world of big business, I eagerly sponged wisdom by listening and watching others. I continuously observed masters at their game in the meeting-rich jungle-like environment. They seemed to effortlessly navigate and survive the surprises and challenges that leapt out to embarrass and expose them. The top players would deftly handle it all and generally create an impression of being knowledgeable and at times going so far as to give credit to their boss for all of the success. I was in awe.
Some of my wisdom came from seeing even the simple sycophants attempting to endear by complimenting snappy clothes, declaring brilliance in the semi-clever questions of others, and touting the awesomeness of a mildly admirable golf swing. The more advanced moved on to providing this service full time. These guys are known as vice presidents. I became one of these. My role was to accompany my superior to meetings and with just-in-time precision, feed him clever lines that he could utter to the awaiting ears of the employee masses. Thus the senior exec could extol things like, “The competition is fierce, but we still have several innings to go in this game”, or “Synergies will be achieved and make us stronger”, or “I appreciate your praise for me but it was all thanks to the little people”.
My transformation from observing to actually making sucking-up a way of life, came as I was running the corporate quality program – by the way you can easily substitute innovation program, customer-first program, ethics program, etc. Appropriately indoctrinated and filled with the knowledge that my contributions would drive substantial impact and change, I readied myself for the meeting where my boss had invited the CEO to attend and pitch the reasons why the program-du-jour was so important. 10 minutes prior to the appointed time when the CEO would arrive and join us for lunch in advance of his talk; I was called aside by a man who had already garnered widespread respect and made millions in his role as senior executive. What could be on the mind of this giant of industry – yes you guessed it – he was worried that the lunch buffet have a selection that would satisfy the CEO and a choice other than red meat. So my special moment of attention from my revered boss at this critical point was an assignment with the imperative that there be some sliced turkey left for the CEO’s sandwich. Many would have taken the task lightly or with disdain – not I! Instead, without prior training (or common sense), I jumped into action. Positioning myself at the meat tray section of the food line, I firmly informed lower level eaters that they must take the roast beef or pastrami and surrender their tongs of turkey. For I was – guarding the white meat! In hindsight, perhaps I should have scooped some of the prized fare onto a plate and stored it away – perhaps – but the importance of ensuring the CEO’s happiness, and my own boss’s status, was beyond such long term thinking and instead required make-it-happen action. In the end, the CEO arrived, was fed his favorite and subsequently shared his inspiring comments that went something like, “it is up to the little people to make a difference!”
Friday, February 2, 2007
Verbal Tai Chi
-- Verbal Tai Chi
Ever been in a meeting when someone asks a stupid or annoying question? -- ok nevermind, that is obviously a stupid question. But have you ever been able to categorize the question askers – they are numerous types.
While stupid question askers take many forms; the most maddening are known as "dream-weavers" . Usually this type is an eager, seemingly sincere, and even at times, perky person. He or she poses a question that seems impressive for being both well phrased and on-point. But wait, a déjà vu sensation overcomes you as you realize that it is so on-point because the answer to the dream-weaver’s question is exactly what the speaker has been talking about for the last 10 minutes. Sitting in the meeting you likely wish to react with something that starts with “Oh *$#@” and a deep sense of frustration! The worst scenario is a compassionate speaker kindly repeating it all for this day dreamer – oh well you were going to be at work all day anyway.
Other stupid comments are far more theatrical as they provide the question asker the opportunity to perform the “notice-me” act. This performance is carefully orchestrated to demonstrate mastery. Mastery of something that is usually unrelated to the current discussion. Multiple types will perform the “notice me” act, including the “trying to get ahead” variety – their question-asking targeted at showing off with something they recently read (or were told about by someone who does read – but the actual reader is probably doing something meaningful rather than sitting in meetings); or the “I’m so funny” type which takes a poke at something humorous often at the expense of the meeting subject or the speaker. Either variety can actually be beneficial if it turns out to be more entertaining than the intended discussion. Success for the “notice me” players can be measured specifically. Similar to “hang time” for a football kick, it is called “meeting hijack time” and accomplishes a similar impact of halting regular play, shifting ownership of who has the ball and concludes as either a great moment or irritating disappointment depending upon whether your team (topic) winds up driving the next stage of the session.
Then of course there are the ones know as “ponder-me-this”. This type will proffer questions in a spirit of linking global concerns such as long term impacts, or the impact to world peace, or the value of the brand, etc., and how it all relates in some way to the selection of color and pricing for that next mostly average gizmo from the product group. These questions are of such altitude to cause dizziness and headaches but more importantly a distraction to progress. If you actually have a life beyond work, you will resent this waste of time. However, since you are probably just attending the meeting because people have been telling you to get out of your cube and get a life, this meandering can be quite fun.
With the right attitude, all of these stupid questions can be entertaining in the meeting and definitely fodder for later laughs around the coffee pot. Actually, digital innovation has much improved the coffee pot chatter – instead there are text messages – thank goodness they leave no documentable trail. So now you are equipped to fire off a couple of humorous text messages. The trick is to do this while holding your mobile phone below the table without anyone noticing your lack of attention or developing a concern that you are spending too much time looking in the direction of your crotch with a smile on your face?
So people ask stupid questions, no harm no foul, you can simply sit and think about landscaping projects, girl or boy friends, a recent YouTube video, or what you can recall will be on TV that night. Ignore the blabbering and it is usually a comfortable place to think. Your only responsibility is to observe a devotion to your own silence. Do not be tempted to join in with question or answer. Generally it is better to stay above the fray and hope that others think you are either soaking it all in, too smart to share your brilliance or simply glad that it is not your meeting. But what if it is your meeting?
You’re leading; it’s your agenda and you might even have a reason to care about the outcome. The meeting is progressing; you’re feeling a twinge of leadership, then from nowhere appears a “dream-weaver”, or a “notice me” or a “ponder-me-this”. The amateur’s tendency is of course to meet confrontation with confrontation. Force against force. Mano-a-mano or womano-a-womano. The stronger the push, the greater the pushback – the juices flow, the heart pounds, and the other attendees awaken and sense political blood soon to be spilt! The professional meeting leader instead recognizes it as time to deploy: verbal tai chi. For those of you less familiar, tai chi is the ancient Asian art of combat. Combat yes, but in most forms of tai chi, the objective is to use the attacker’s force against themselves. Use their momentum to propel them out of the way and if you are really good – the opponent is made impotent but unharmed. Deftly handled the result is they suffer no pain or embarrassment and yet become uninterested in offering a fresh question. So, you recall having witnessed someone practicing tai chi and don’t recognize how the slow waving of arms and legs in a bizarre dance quite fits into addressing a distracting question. Thus verbal tai chi -- a selection of words and phrases that will disarm the stupid question asker.
Masters of the art of verbal tai chi have a full kit; for now I will share with you three of their best moves. The first of these that is effective in responding to a stupid question is:
“Really, tell us more.”
Particularly effective with the obnoxious, blow hard type seeking to show off and for whom you assess there is little substance behind the stage grabbing. After their question is asked; respond with a child-like curiosity, “Really, tell us more?” Let them talk, usually babble, and wait for an opportunity to conclude the event with a crisp, “thank you”. In no case should you ever answer the original question.
The next handy response to a stupid comment, useful in and outside of meetings:
“Is that right?”
Best used when you don’t understand the question and are looking for deflection and time to think. It sounds simple but must be applied with an extreme level of sincerity so as to convince the other person you are amazed and interested.
Finally, when you are faced with a comment or question that is at an extreme level of stupidity and delivered with a confrontational tone. The simple yet lethal reply:
“Great”.
And then say nothing for a few seconds followed by returning to your discussion as though the stupid comment had never existed. Generally, the asker is left with a satisfied feeling of having been positively acknowledged and not put on the stand to defend their point further. However at times the asker, or some other character, will want to revisit the question. Let them talk and when they are finished -- your response: another dose of “great!” – Perhaps with even greater enthusiasm, again followed by silence and then return to the point you were talking about without further acknowledgement. To see it in practice is a thing of beauty.
Verbal tai chi -- practice and use sparingly grasshopper.
Ever been in a meeting when someone asks a stupid or annoying question? -- ok nevermind, that is obviously a stupid question. But have you ever been able to categorize the question askers – they are numerous types.
While stupid question askers take many forms; the most maddening are known as "dream-weavers" . Usually this type is an eager, seemingly sincere, and even at times, perky person. He or she poses a question that seems impressive for being both well phrased and on-point. But wait, a déjà vu sensation overcomes you as you realize that it is so on-point because the answer to the dream-weaver’s question is exactly what the speaker has been talking about for the last 10 minutes. Sitting in the meeting you likely wish to react with something that starts with “Oh *$#@” and a deep sense of frustration! The worst scenario is a compassionate speaker kindly repeating it all for this day dreamer – oh well you were going to be at work all day anyway.
Other stupid comments are far more theatrical as they provide the question asker the opportunity to perform the “notice-me” act. This performance is carefully orchestrated to demonstrate mastery. Mastery of something that is usually unrelated to the current discussion. Multiple types will perform the “notice me” act, including the “trying to get ahead” variety – their question-asking targeted at showing off with something they recently read (or were told about by someone who does read – but the actual reader is probably doing something meaningful rather than sitting in meetings); or the “I’m so funny” type which takes a poke at something humorous often at the expense of the meeting subject or the speaker. Either variety can actually be beneficial if it turns out to be more entertaining than the intended discussion. Success for the “notice me” players can be measured specifically. Similar to “hang time” for a football kick, it is called “meeting hijack time” and accomplishes a similar impact of halting regular play, shifting ownership of who has the ball and concludes as either a great moment or irritating disappointment depending upon whether your team (topic) winds up driving the next stage of the session.
Then of course there are the ones know as “ponder-me-this”. This type will proffer questions in a spirit of linking global concerns such as long term impacts, or the impact to world peace, or the value of the brand, etc., and how it all relates in some way to the selection of color and pricing for that next mostly average gizmo from the product group. These questions are of such altitude to cause dizziness and headaches but more importantly a distraction to progress. If you actually have a life beyond work, you will resent this waste of time. However, since you are probably just attending the meeting because people have been telling you to get out of your cube and get a life, this meandering can be quite fun.
With the right attitude, all of these stupid questions can be entertaining in the meeting and definitely fodder for later laughs around the coffee pot. Actually, digital innovation has much improved the coffee pot chatter – instead there are text messages – thank goodness they leave no documentable trail. So now you are equipped to fire off a couple of humorous text messages. The trick is to do this while holding your mobile phone below the table without anyone noticing your lack of attention or developing a concern that you are spending too much time looking in the direction of your crotch with a smile on your face?
So people ask stupid questions, no harm no foul, you can simply sit and think about landscaping projects, girl or boy friends, a recent YouTube video, or what you can recall will be on TV that night. Ignore the blabbering and it is usually a comfortable place to think. Your only responsibility is to observe a devotion to your own silence. Do not be tempted to join in with question or answer. Generally it is better to stay above the fray and hope that others think you are either soaking it all in, too smart to share your brilliance or simply glad that it is not your meeting. But what if it is your meeting?
You’re leading; it’s your agenda and you might even have a reason to care about the outcome. The meeting is progressing; you’re feeling a twinge of leadership, then from nowhere appears a “dream-weaver”, or a “notice me” or a “ponder-me-this”. The amateur’s tendency is of course to meet confrontation with confrontation. Force against force. Mano-a-mano or womano-a-womano. The stronger the push, the greater the pushback – the juices flow, the heart pounds, and the other attendees awaken and sense political blood soon to be spilt! The professional meeting leader instead recognizes it as time to deploy: verbal tai chi. For those of you less familiar, tai chi is the ancient Asian art of combat. Combat yes, but in most forms of tai chi, the objective is to use the attacker’s force against themselves. Use their momentum to propel them out of the way and if you are really good – the opponent is made impotent but unharmed. Deftly handled the result is they suffer no pain or embarrassment and yet become uninterested in offering a fresh question. So, you recall having witnessed someone practicing tai chi and don’t recognize how the slow waving of arms and legs in a bizarre dance quite fits into addressing a distracting question. Thus verbal tai chi -- a selection of words and phrases that will disarm the stupid question asker.
Masters of the art of verbal tai chi have a full kit; for now I will share with you three of their best moves. The first of these that is effective in responding to a stupid question is:
“Really, tell us more.”
Particularly effective with the obnoxious, blow hard type seeking to show off and for whom you assess there is little substance behind the stage grabbing. After their question is asked; respond with a child-like curiosity, “Really, tell us more?” Let them talk, usually babble, and wait for an opportunity to conclude the event with a crisp, “thank you”. In no case should you ever answer the original question.
The next handy response to a stupid comment, useful in and outside of meetings:
“Is that right?”
Best used when you don’t understand the question and are looking for deflection and time to think. It sounds simple but must be applied with an extreme level of sincerity so as to convince the other person you are amazed and interested.
Finally, when you are faced with a comment or question that is at an extreme level of stupidity and delivered with a confrontational tone. The simple yet lethal reply:
“Great”.
And then say nothing for a few seconds followed by returning to your discussion as though the stupid comment had never existed. Generally, the asker is left with a satisfied feeling of having been positively acknowledged and not put on the stand to defend their point further. However at times the asker, or some other character, will want to revisit the question. Let them talk and when they are finished -- your response: another dose of “great!” – Perhaps with even greater enthusiasm, again followed by silence and then return to the point you were talking about without further acknowledgement. To see it in practice is a thing of beauty.
Verbal tai chi -- practice and use sparingly grasshopper.
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